I've been umming and haaaing whether or not to put this online because it's so personal or leave it in my head where it's safe from the big bad world ... but I found this post extremely therapeutic to write so I'm going to do it anyway.
Thank you to Mardi for the push... xxxx
Tomorrow I start Chemo
To say that I'm scared is an understatement
I know people go thru this every day and everyone knows someone who has been thru it
.....but I'm going thru it ... it's happening to me ... tomorrow ... and I'm mildly starting to freak out.
I'm not scared of the chemo itself because I know this is that last step in this horrible journey that we have been going thru
But I am scared of the unknown
...I am a planner
...a list maker
... I am that person that can make a quick decision
....but tomorrow will change all that
I've read thru all the paperwork about Chemo and what it involves and what the side effects are and so on ... but what is scaring me is that I don't know how it will effect me.
Will I be sick, loose my hair, have crap skin, bad mouth issues, will my nails fall off, will I loose feeling in my fingertips????
My brain is going overtime thinking about all these things
I hate the thought of just having to wait and see
Everyone is quick to give you their thoughts on the process and tell you how their Aunty So&So didn't have any side effects or only lots a small amount of hair or when they went thru Chemo, they were sick as a dog one day & great the next ... I appreciate all the feedback & opinions but to be honest - none of it really helps. No one can tell me how it will effect me.
"You'll be right - you're strong and healthy" ... I have heard this nine million times but if I was healthy - I wouldn't be having Chemo in the first place.
I feel weak from 2 months of being in bed and not exercising
Weak from major abdominal surgery that feels like it's taking forever to heal
I'm tired and emotional from going thru Menopause at 38 years old
I'm not depressed .. don't get me wrong ... I'm just in a much different place than I was 3 months ago.
Call it realistic
Not knowing how exactly these Chemo drugs will work with my body is hard to understand ...
but ... I will be strong ... put on a brave face and get it done
I'll be damned if I am going thru all this again in 2 years time if the Cancer grows back on a different organ - no freaking way.
That wouldn't be fair on Trev & Jess or myself.
So there it is ....
Fingers crossed for tomorrow ... Friday September 20th 2013 ....
I think I'll put these blog posts in the above My Health Journey tab to keep it separate from my creative life.
Thanks for the love and support