Thursday, September 19, 2013

Fear of the Unknown ....

I've been umming and haaaing whether or not to put this online because it's so personal or leave it in my head where it's safe from the big bad world ... but I found this post extremely therapeutic to write so I'm going to do it anyway.
Thank you to Mardi for the push... xxxx

Tomorrow I start Chemo

To say that I'm scared is an understatement

I know people go thru this every day and everyone knows someone who has been thru it
.....but I'm going thru it ... it's happening to me ... tomorrow ... and I'm mildly starting to freak out.

I'm not scared of the chemo itself because I know this is that last step in this horrible journey that we have been going thru

But I am scared of the unknown

...I am a planner
...a list maker
...diary keeper
...deadline meeter
... I am that person that can make a quick decision

....but tomorrow will change all that

I've read thru all the paperwork about Chemo and what it involves and what the side effects are and so on ... but what is scaring me is that I don't know how it will effect me.

Will I be sick, loose my hair, have crap skin, bad mouth issues, will my nails fall off, will I loose feeling in my fingertips????
My brain is going overtime thinking about all these things

I hate the thought of just having to wait and see

Everyone is quick to give you their thoughts on the process and tell you how their Aunty So&So didn't have any side effects or only lots a small amount of hair or when they went thru Chemo, they were sick as a dog one day & great the next ... I appreciate all the feedback & opinions but to be honest - none of it really helps.  No one can tell me how it will effect me.

"You'll be right - you're strong and healthy" ...  I have heard this nine million times but if I was healthy - I wouldn't be having Chemo in the first place.

I feel weak from 2 months of being in bed and not exercising
Weak from major abdominal surgery that feels like it's taking forever to heal
I'm tired and emotional from going thru Menopause at 38 years old

I'm not depressed .. don't get me wrong ... I'm just in a much different place than I was 3 months ago.

Call it realistic

Not knowing how exactly these Chemo drugs will work with my body is hard to understand ...
but ... I will be strong ... put on a brave face and get it done

I'll be damned if I am going thru all this again in 2 years time if the Cancer grows back on a different organ - no freaking way.
That wouldn't be fair on Trev & Jess or myself.

So there it is ....

Fingers crossed for tomorrow ... Friday September 20th 2013 ....

I think I'll put these blog posts in the above My Health Journey tab to keep it separate from my creative life.

Thanks for the love and support



  1. I hear you foot in front of the other....interesting working out how you'll cope not being in control...but of COURSE you will work it out - like you say ...not much choice...therein lies the difficulty if you're a bit of a control freak.....hope it goes QUICK.....

  2. Hugs xx hope all goes well for you

  3. I really wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wanting the very best outcome for you in the future. xxxooo

  4. Thanks again for sharing, and you are right, it is YOUR journey, it is YOU that it is all happening one can feel what is happening to YOU.. so all I want to say is.. I will remember to pray for you and think of you tomorrow as you go and sit and get the drip in your arm and I will imagine with you that soldiers are being unloaded in that chemo and they will hunt and kill any cancer cells so you will have a total and complete healing from the cancer.. and then in time your body will get strong again... with love, lizzy

  5. Thinking of you as you go through your treatment. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way. Take care! Kerry

  6. Best of luck for the start of your chemo. Surround yourself with friends, family and support to get through this. As hard as the physical side of it is, I think the emotional side of chemo is just as tough.

    My mum took part in a Look Good Feel Better workshop while she was going through chemo and it was quite a fun day. Here is the link if you want to check it out:

  7. I so agree with you--I haven't had cancer , but both of my parents have and a niece-To be quite honest I didn't care what everyone else went through, I was just concerned about them and I think I would feel the same way about myself as you do. You will be in my thoughts and prayers for this journey and adventure in your life. I hope it is an easy one and also one that you never have again.

  8. I am thinking of you all the time Natalie and wishing you happy, healthy days again very soon.Lots of love xxxxoooo

  9. Gentle hugs Nat, thanks for sharing. I think people say things like 'you'll be right' because they are a little bit scared themselves. Scared of saying the wrong thing, scared of what might be ahead for you that they have no control over, and scared they won't be able to make it better for you (although they'll try). The sucky, shitty nasty truth is that it's a horrible thing to need to go through. And we wish you didn't have to. All I can say is seize the opportunity to go in as hard as you can, with every bit of strength you can muster, give it your very best shot. Then, hope like hell that you don't face this again in a couple years time, but know that, worst case, you won't be able to say 'if only' or 'I wish' about your treatment this time round. It's also OK to find time to grieve for what you've lost already. We're thinking of you, and hoping that your chemo journey is smooth, uncomplicated, and above all, effective! Go kick it's butt! Much love, michelle

  10. I don't really think anyone could say anything to you that would make the fear go away, as you said, it's the not knowing how it's going to affect you that makes it so hard. All the rest of us can say is that we're here for you. Anytime you want to share we will be here to give you as much support as we can. Just know that people care about what you are going through and we pray for you. Blessings to you Natalie, stay strong. oxox

  11. Good luck for tomorrow.

  12. Hang in there Natalie! You can do it!

  13. Courage.
    Je t'envoie toutes mes bonnes pensées.
    Ce n'est pas facile. Tiens le coup. Tu y arriveras.


Thanks so much for leaving me a comment! xxx